Lana's Story
I knew you rarely prayed for me
Except when we retired to bed
I didn't dare to comprehend
Fleshly souls danced, haunting, in your head.
But when we prayed at night together
Your vacant requests He did not hear
For you were breaching the holy covenant
With the wife you claimed to hold so dear.
Then I wonder, really---who was praying for me?
You hid in shame, you skirted God
You habitually chose to remain in the dark
I saw it, I felt it, I knew it, too
That something insidious had hardened your heart.
The mounting clues were there to see
The "little" lies could barely hide
The insatiable need, the consuming want
Yet only to God could I confide.
Lord, hear my desperate prayers for me!
I saw the priorities, so askew
I watched lonely anger in a steady rise
I'd heard the excuses over and over again
So how could I dare to claim surprise?
September was always my favorite month
Cool breeze tempering hot stubborn sun
'Til the remnants of the dream were bludgeoned to shards
And there were no pretty illusions to which to run.
Oh needed friends, do pray for me!
Tired life in shrapnel fragments
Red bloody mess upon the dirt
Once-tender heart, so faintly beating
Nearly smothered, awash in boundless hurt.
The distant hope of somewhen healing
Your Words of Truth breathed into me
I see my Faithful Groom approaching
His tear-filled eyes fully fixed on me!
Oh, loving Lord, You have prayed for me!
You have called me by name! You have claimed me as your beautiful bride! You will never leave me nor forsake me!! Your covenant will not be broken! You know me fully but will never reject me or tire of me! Your heart of love is wholly devoted to me! Forever!
Thank you, dearest Lord, for praying for me!
The poem written here was emailed to us a couple of years ago. Reading it will take you into the raw pain that sexual sin and involvement in pornography bring into relationships. There are many books and articles written, even by secular people, on the destructiveness of this addiction in relation to marriage, children, career and psyche, but I am printing this to show the devastation to this woman's soul. The wonderful news is that God can set the captives free--whether it is the addicted person or the betrayed marriage partner. Read on to be encouraged. The following isn't the "rest of the story" but is an update on the journey this woman has chosen to embrace.
I wrote this poem some months ago, after finally coming face to face with the reality that my husband had been actively "using" pornography for the twenty-three years of our marriage, and in fact, since childhood. His skillful deception, as well as my strong desire not to be a "suspicious" wife had allowed me to live in semi-denial for all these years, despite the open confession of his struggles during our engagement.
Though I strongly suspected it because of his total lack of spiritual growth and fervor, I did not have the confidence, the courage, or the communication skills to confront him. Instead, I became a prayer warrior for my marriage and family and tried eagerly to always be available and attractive to him. It was exhausting, lonely, and often depressing. How I longed for deeper spiritual companionship with him and a more godly example for our children!
As always, God knew exactly what He was doing. He heard every prayer and caught every silent tear. He was just waiting for the day I would be able to handle reality and when my husband would be ready to look squarely at his sin. The long wait had refined my character and deepened my intimacy with Christ in ways I don't think could have happened otherwise. The timing of my gut-wrenching discovery was right in the midst of my "season" in Healing Prayer. Praise be to God.
Through ChangePoint's prayer ministry God has helped me grasp onto my own identity and worth, and not blame myself for my husband's behavior. I am in the process of forgiving myself for my long-time lack of courage. I have been able to fend off the temptation to believe that this was somehow one big cosmic joke at my expense (especially considering my childhood scars).
Healing Prayer has helped me give myself permission to mourn and not pressure myself to take any defensive shortcuts to stuff or minimize the pain. I've been able to think much more clearly in the midst of my pain, confront my husband in love, and set healthier boundaries for myself. I have felt God's comfort, deep peace, and unconditional love.
God is our healer, and I can trust Him with my wounds. I have been inspired to hope that my husband will be healed as well, as I've watched God answer one prayer after another in our lives. I have gained a better understanding of the roots of addiction, and have been able to be much more merciful and patient with my husband than in the past. I am constantly aware of my absolute need to forgive him completely. I do not want Satan to gain any more footholds!
As I look back over the past years, I can remember (and still feel) so much pain. But even more, I can see so much evidence of God's compassion, forgiveness, patience, and the transforming power of His Word.
Our family has a long road of healing ahead, but I can see the part God wants me to play in it. I am very thankful for my Healing Prayer partners' listening ears, wisdom, encouragement, support, and powerful prayers on our behalf. I have learned just how much God cares for me by the way He brought them into my life when He knew I would need them most. Again I say-- PRAISE BE TO GOD! -- Anonymous
- all of the names used in these testimonies and articles are fictitious -